A letter to my mother

Dear mom,

What is wrong with you? All you’ve ever done is run, run from your problems, run from me and now running from your grandchildren. Why can’t you just grow up and deal with things like any other adult does? Why do you lie, pin people on each other and act like a child? You’ve never spent a moment raising me or caring about me, you’ve given up on me since I was born. Remember, when you gave me away without a second thought? Now, we’re adults and you’re jealous of me, because YOUR parents did a better job with me, than they did with you. Do you have any idea how pathetic that sounds? You’re right though, I did always get what I want, probably because Grandma felt bad for me because of what you did. I guess that thought never crossed your mind.

Maybe you need a refresher, you abandoned me at birth, you lied to me my entire life, you can’t handle serious situations and you run, play the blame game, lie and do drugs, you can’t care about anyone other than yourself, you have bouts of jealousy, you have disappointed me my entire life, one disappointment after the other, some days I wish you had an abortion because of your drinking during pregnancy I have a disability that makes it almost impossible to keep a job for any length of time, I can’t follow my dreams, I can’t get my dream career because you never wanted me and tried to drink me out of your uterus. Do you have any idea how that feels? And  then to have it tossed back into my face saying I get more money for nothing than anyone you know. This wasn’t my choice, I didn’t choose to be this way, you did this to me. I’ve tried to deal with it and go about my life but you have no idea how hard even the basic things can be for me, and that’s your fault.

You are completely incapable of feeling any compassion, I AM YOUR DAUGHTER and you can’t let your drama go, to get along with me, long enough for us to figure anything out. You make up bullshit lies to be able to get out of a relationship with me. Remember accusing me of stealing $4000 from my Grandfather with dementia and cancer? Yeah, good thing no one believes you, but why? I tried to ask but you refused to talk to me and when I finally got a response out of you it was filled with hate and jealousy. Why? What have I done so wrong that you feel the need to hate your daughter? Be born? Because that’s how you make me feel, like I was a burden to be born. Then you call me names, tell me I’m useless and call me a slut, you degraded me every chance you got. You treated me like shit and you wonder why people hate you? Because you are a horrible person that can’t take control of your mouth, actions and lies. It’s not because you have a big mouth Sandra, it’s because you are a bad person. You get jealous over the smallest things and then try to “out-do” me like I care what possessions you own. Here’s something you don’t know about me, I have integrity, I have a big mouth for the truth, I have no problem on calling people out on the truth or if they’re doing something stupid. I have a lot of people in my life that think I’m awesome, that love that I’m brutally honest, that love that I’m loyal but you’ve never stuck around long enough to even know anything about me. Just what you want to believe your truth is about me. You couldn’t be more wrong, you don’t know a damn thing. I know now that I am a better mother than you, better than you’ll ever be even if you’re trying to right every wrong you’ve done through Seth, I am a better person, I am a better friend and I am a better partner and if you feel the need to question anything, you should talk to my real family and friends. Ask Jessica and Leslie and see what they have to say because I may have only known them for 10 years but they’ve been around in my life longer than you have. Now that’s pretty sad.

I am so angry, that’s your fault. Some days it doesn’t bother me, doesn’t interrupt my day. Other days its all my day is consisted of. My anger with you. Now we add Mark into things and I’m angry at him too. Neither of you listen, you don’t care what anyone has to say unless it benefits you in some way. You want to be mad that I told someone that a child exists, go for it. That’s all I did because I didn’t know anything else. I knew it was Mark’s sister that adopted my sisters child, but I didn’t know anything else. I didn’t know her last name and I didn’t know her husbands name. I don’t know how to get a hold of them and I’m not sure who the father is. I just told them that he existed. All other information was obtained by Stephanie or by you, mother. Oh and I have proof of that but you can keep lying all you want, I have kept all my Facebook messages about the situation and I’ve let my sister know and sent the convo to her, so lets see how far your game will go, I learnt from the best after all.

My anger comes out in the most childish ways sometimes, because I don’t know how to handle you but with revenge. That’s what I want from you, revenge. I want you to feel every ounce of anger that you’ve put on my shoulders since I was a child. You think you’ve done such a wonderful job but that I must have gone down some wrong road but that wasn’t your fault. You’re right that it wasn’t your fault, but you did nothing. You’re a bad mother and a bad person, you haven’t done a DAMN thing, it wasn’t a wrong road, it was a path I choose, and each separate path I’ve taken was fueled by the anger that sits on my soul and that is all your fault. I’d love to send you a letter to confront you but you wouldn’t care to even read it. You would delete it or toss it the second it started making you realize that you were wrong and a bad person. The truth hurts and if that makes you not want to talk to your daughter or grandkids then you are an even worse person than I thought.

I didn’t realize how angry I was and how much it ran my life until Grandma died. When my mom died. At 26 you tried to step in and parent me again. And failed, again. Just stop trying, quit trying to come into my life, my children’s life and causing drama and anger. You have your favorite grandson that you devout all your time and attention on and it should stay that way. Keep away from me, forever. I can’t keep doing this, I can’t handle any more anger in my life because of you. Grow up, both of you. I have done some reading and I found a blog with a letter to her mother as well, there are some things she said to her mother that I want to say to you.

“I am still working on liking myself…I am sad and angry in my heart some days, while others I feel like I have moved on. Sometimes I am so angry and sad that my motivation suffers. A lot of the time I am relaxed and happy and no longer compensating for inner self loathing like I used to.

You are your own responsibility. You can conveniently blame all of your issues on me, but they are there whether I was present or not. Your family wrecked you and instead of trying to overcome it you actually seem to like to wallow in it. You openly enjoy your behaviour, you think it’s fun and you think you’re special. You like the control that you get when you rage. You like putting other people down to feel superior and smart.

I really don’t know who you are under your dysfunction and sometimes I wondered about the little girl you used to be, the authentic girl self that got trampled and disappeared. I hope someday you crawl out of your black hole, but it is no longer something that concerns me. Your personal journey does not concern me anymore and that little girl inside you is not my responsibility to parent” Fran, member of Out of the Fog.

That really resonates with me, why because I want to be done with you, I don’t want to have to shoulder any responsibility towards you, anymore or ever again. You talked about how Stephanie acts, but you ARE a bigger version of Steph. She acts like that because YOU act like that. I want all my words to feel like tiny knives in your body, I doubt they will because you just don’t care enough to be bothered by my words. One day, when you’re all alone, you might think about me or my kids but please don’t bother because we won’t be thinking about you. I had a wonderful mother and she passed away, I got another wonderful mother, Leslie, and thank god she was there because you never were. When grandma died, I thought I couldn’t survive without you, I was very wrong. But I was damaged and you knew it and took advantage of it.

I’ll make this really easy on you and since you don’t give a flying fuck about my kids, forget that we exist. We were never around, you never wasted any energy on your grandchildren, or money. They are no longer a burden for you and neither am I. We’re blood related but we’re not family. I have wanted to tell you for 20 years that a part of me actually hates you, resents you, and thinks you’re a piece of shit. But what good would any of this do? Nothing, because you’re so stuck in this merry go round of drama and bullshit that you’re to scared to jump off and just enjoy life. I honestly don’t know what I have done for you to hate me so much but I can tell you that I will not subject myself to your toxic life anymore and that I am really starting not to like you either but that’s your fault.

Advertisements

Sometimes Your Mother Isn’t Who You Thought You Needed

I always thought that I needed my mother, in most cases it was my Grandmother because she raised me from the time I was born. My mother, at 18, handed me over to my Grandma at birth. They raised me and I thank God for that everyday. I called Grandma mom, I hugged, loved and hated her in my teen years, just like you’re supposed to, I loved her in my late teens and early twenties and I missed her in my late 20’s. She passed away March 7, 2011.

I called her about everything, boyfriends, my oldest Isaac when he was a baby, for recipes, just to talk, to bitch about what my friends were doing, money, you name it, I called her. She called me for everything too, I was her best friend and she was mine. When she died it was unexpected, it was a shock. I saw her the day before and I talked to her on the phone the night before. The call at 8:30 in the morning the next day to tell me that she was gone was unexpected, shocking and heartbreaking; it shattered my whole world. I screamed and cried and then I couldn’t cry anymore. No one knew what to do so they let me be.

My mom, birth mother in this case, started calling just because, asking about the kids, needing advice or giving advice. I let her come back in because I thought I needed her. I needed someone to talk to and get advice from. It wasn’t long before there was some stupid fight and we weren’t talking for awhile. I can’t exactly pinpoint what that was right now because, to be honest, there was more than one time this happened. She blamed my kids for breaking my nephews keyboard when it was already broken but it couldn’t have been her favorite grandson, no, she demanded I pay for it, I told her to go fuck herself, and we quit talking for about 5-6 months. It didn’t even cross my mind when we started talking again.

I was warned by my friends and ex-husband not to let her back in because I would just end up getting hurt…I let her back in. Again. She started messaging me on Facebook and calling because my sister Stephanie had gotten pregnant and didn’t tell anyone until she was 8 months…she thought that my parents were going to be mad. They were, because she hid it and at this point there was nothing to do to “take care” of the situation. She was 18 already had a baby and now pregnant again. She had him in August and gave him up for adoption. Situation over. We got into another scrap because Steph decided to message me and say nasty things on Facebook about me that weren’t true under my moms account. We didn’t talk to 2-3 months and again I let her back in.

She needed help with court documents. Steph had met a guy on POF (Plenty of Fish) and well ran away with him….with my nephew. My mom, hearing accounts of abuse by the boyfriend, decided to take Steph to court for rights to my nephew so that he was safe and cared for properly. In the end they won guardianship and visitation rights, Steph took off to Fort Mac with the boyfriend, got married and got pregnant again. All this time my mom is calling me and writing me messages on what she should do, could do and wants to do. I gave her advice based on the knowledge that I had acquired going to school to be a legal assistant. NOT legal advice, just that the law says this so call your lawyer and see what she says. I also typed most of her documents for her and emailed them her so she could sign them and then send off to her lawyer.

Life is good, we’re getting along, bonding for all the wrong reasons, got back in contact with my other sister Shantell, who I hadn’t talked to in about 5 years. Then Grandpa got sick. Mom wanted to be involved at first, then she quit calling, quit coming up to see Papa and just feed me information on certain things because she is a Nurse Aid. Supposedly she stuck up for me with my Aunt and stuff because….well I have no idea. My Aunt has never liked me, never thought I would amount to anything and thought I was a mooch. My Aunt is an entirely different post HA!

So she says she helped me out and kept them off my back because I gave into Papa and just wanted him to be happy and comfortable. Helped him more things out of his house, which went to my basement because I was told my Aunt didn’t have the room to store stuff.  ended up being an issue apparently and my mom, supposedly, stuck up for me. I’m pretty sure she just fed me a bunch of bullshit. Grandpa moves in with me, my mom told me to do what felt right so I did, then went behind my back and said she never talked to me. The one person that told me to do what was right was now talking shit behind my back.

I got a new vehicle the day after Papa moved in with me. The asking price dropped $4000 because the bank wouldn’t let the dealership sell me that specific vehicle for almost double the value. My mom, without discussing anything with me, called my Uncle and said I MUST have taken the $4000 from my Grandpa’s line of credit that no one could see. The thought that maybe I got a good deal never crossed anyone’s mind because of the timing. And until they get full access to my Grandpas’ account no one will believe that I didn’t touch his money. Thanks mom. She accused me and then refused to talk to me and still refuses to talk to me. Why she did it and then refused to talk to me about it I still don’t have an answer. The one and only message I got from her makes her sound like a jealous brat. Grandpa and Grandma never did anything for her so apparently that means I should get treated like shit too.

Well thank you mom for being the exact thing that I didn’t need and thank you for showing your true self before I invested any more of my life and my kids. Now I can move on without you. I also know to NEVER let you in again. My mother died in 2011.

You Can Change In A Month….

Well it’s been over a month since my last post and let me tell you…what a month it has been.

There are certain things that I know I can’t handle, just because I get frustrated easily and I haven’t been well educated on certain subjects. If I get curious enough I’ll usually do research and educate myself. I haven’t even had the chance to do that since recent events.

Lets start with what has happened in December; already a stressful month with Christmas. Lets add a Grandfather with undiagnosed Dementia to the equation. Added to the constant confusion there is a fixation on time. So if you were to tell him that you’re going to be somewhere, at a specific time, well….you better be there. My cousin learned this the hard way unfortunately.

I decided to bring Grandpa to my house so he wasn’t waking up in the hospital on Christmas Day, alone, with no family. Great idea, my cousin also wanted to spend some time with Papa on Christmas Day and had said he would be around between 9 and 11 to pick him up and take him to his fiancé’s mothers house. Clock starts ticking for Papa at 8:30 “Where’s Robert?” “What time is it?” ” He said he’d be here at 9″ “Where is he, he said he would be here and its 9:30”. I explain, once again that Robert wasn’t coming until between 9 and 11, so he’s got plenty of time, just relax. In order to try and distract him from the time, we headed over to my boyfriends’ parents house to meet up with everyone to open presents, breakfast and the like. We pack up the kids, head over to the parents house. “What time is it?” “Where’s Robert?”…..Damn, didn’t work.

OK so now what? I had been in contact with Robert, at the time I was getting angry because I was getting the brunt of Grandpa’s frustration, it came out in my texts that I wasn’t happy, possibly even said to him. Robert was busy, he has a small little family that he needs to spend time with and they were doing presents with the wee ones. 11 rolls around…11:30….12:00 Grandpa finally loses it, yells at me something about not being there and he’s leaving….

Well….fuck…my boyfriends’ mom says not to worry, ok….Grandpa at this point is now walking away from the house, toward the hospital (a block away) he was going back to the hospital because Robert didn’t come get him, even though he’s there with me, my kids, people he knows but can’t quite remember but they are really trying to boost his memory to make him feel more confident at the house, food, family. Not good enough, what triggered that specific outbreak, I’m not sure and I don’t quite understand it to be honest.

So I let him go, my boyfriend followed, but I let him go. If that’s what he felt he needed to do to get his point across then fine, go. After about a half hour I decided to drive over and take his stuff to him at the hospital. He was in a better mood, the walk must have helped. So I asked what he wanted to do, whether he wanted to come back with me and Logan or if he wanted to go with Robert. He clearly expressed that he wasn’t going with Robert in his “piece of shit vehicle”. Well ok, lets get your stuff that I brought put away and go downstairs and go back to Bonnie’s then. We get downstairs and I had told him that if he wanted to go back with Robert, Robert was on his way over to pick him up; he wanted to stay and confront Robert. I, against my better judgement, decided that was fine, go ahead say your piece and then lets get back. The rest of the night went smoothly.

Dementia is a fickle bitch. All the research in the world and I probably still wouldn’t understand it. What sets me apart is that I empathize, whenever Grandpa got upset I would try to put myself in his shoes and how it would feel to forget the simplest things and that if I could just remember what time someone was coming I would hold onto that with my whole life and when that time rolled around and no one came, how disappointed I would be which would make me angry. That’s just me, I don’t know if that’s what actually happens but putting myself in his shoes has carried our relationship to a new level.

The next two weeks went by ok. There was ups and downs, Grandpa didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore and was trying to get out any opportunity he could. Who could blame him? He was in there because he had nowhere else to go and they were trying to place him in a “retirement community” with assisted living support. He was being defiant and stubborn about that until my Uncle had talked to him. I decided one night to pick him up and take him for supper. Good idea in theory.

January 7, 2015: Supper with Papa. I pick him up, he had his suitcase with him, we decided to check it over and see what the hell he was trying to do. It was mostly Summer clothing that he didn’t need so I went ahead and decided that I would take it and put it away for him and get it out of his room….NOW what I didn’t realize was that was all part of his plan. I get a couple of blocks to my house and all I hear is “I’m not going back and they can’t make me”……well fuck. What was supposed to be dinner was now my Grandfather living with me. I accepted it with open arms because who else was going to do it? My Aunt said that she didn’t want him there after the last time, my Uncle lives up by Edmonton so its not even an option to consider because his oncologist is in Calgary and my mother is to involved with herself and selfish that she would never do anything other than herself or if it benefitted her in some way. That’s a whole other post though.

The next 2 1/2 weeks were a challenge, a new way to deal with things and a real learning process. I had to show him how to make coffee everyday, I had to repeat myself several times a day (which I absolutely hate but had to learn to deal with), I had to call and get my Uncle to re-tell him things, I had to drive him out to his house looking for his truck keys 3 times because he thought for sure they were there, they weren’t but I went anyway. I accommodated him, I let him do his own thing because even though periodically he would display child like tendencies’ he was still my Grandfather, still a human being and still my elder. Some people thought I was going to fail taking on this endeavour. Even though it was only 2 1/2 weeks, I was far from failing and could have done it for as long as it took for him to be placed in a home where he was safe and taken care of. I knew I wasn’t the best option for this because my FASD makes it hard to control my anger and frustrations and my ADHD makes it hard to concentrate specifically on his specific needs as well as the needs of my own 3 children but I did it. I did it with little or no trouble, I set my mind on something, a lot to do with proving my family wrong, and I did it.

I put myself in his shoes and tried to feel what it felt like to be in a position where I was unable to remember the easiest things, such as making a cup of coffee in my Keurig, and it made me respect him that much more. He was living with cancer and a failing memory and he was still my Grandpa. I was upset about something and he still gave me the only advice that I ever needed to hear. In a month my life changed, I learned a little more patience, I learned more empathy, I learned that some people just shouldn’t matter as much as we let them and doing something that is right won’t necessarily be easy, but it will be worth it. My family wasn’t happy but I learned that it doesn’t matter. You can change in a month.

Monday…Another Trip into the Abyss of the Week

Arg….Monday. Dreading the weekly run around ? Me too. I have counselling today and I always find that helpful, stress and memory wise. When you’re constantly having to work that giant muscle in your head, it seems to help…only a little.

I always set a reminder for everything. If I didn’t I would be so lost. I’ve read lots of articles that say to make lists and write down your routine, well isn’t that just handy? In theory that all sounds like it would fix all the problems that people with ADHD have…am I right? But we all know that unless we have a place to start, doing a list almost seems impossible. That overwhelming, I’m about to explode anxiety all over a stupid list. You know what I’m talking about…it sucks, Why is it that we can’t do a damn list but there’s moms Christmas shopping, making party plans and baking at the same time? How? They’re fucking normal, thats how. Embrace the difference, even if you can’t multitask like a normal human being. You know what we could say? We like the spontaneous life, it makes it more exciting.

Honestly, I don’t have a solution for you to be able to make lists or get your routine down, if anyone does PLEASE feel free to share that nice juicy piece of information. For now, I’ll stick with my reminders and one-tasking. Maybe today in counselling I’ll ask where to start with writing down a routine and have it not be overwhelming. If she can help, I’ll post it later. Even people who don’t have ADHD could probably benefit from having a little organization.

Another thing I wanted to skim on is does anyone else decide to do something but the follow through just seemed out of reach? I’ve been trying to make mini pies for a week now and guess what? Still not done and there’s a good chance that won’t happen today, or even this week to be honest. I have a kids Christmas party to plan for the weekend, thank god I’m not doing this myself or it would happen and there would be nothing to eat or do. I hate not being able to, on the whim, get the kids to sit down and do crafts. If the whole idea wasn’t so overwhelming, it would be a lot easier to deal with.

Life As We Know It.

Since we’re all new here, I’ll fill you in a little. July 26, 2014 my Grandpa was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. We had no idea what that meant as a family but 4 months in, let me tell you, it’s been pretty stressful, exhausting and heart breaking. Most of the family doesn’t live around High River so it’s been up to my Aunt and I to be the caregivers. Trying to say the least. It’s hard enough to have to deal with anyone battling cancer but someone who’s aging and it shows in his cognitive skills (easier to say then he’s losing his freaking mind) seems almost impossible. Life as we know it has changed forever.

Dealing with chemo appointments and my children, dentists, my doctors appointments lets just say crazy doesn’t even begin to explain it. Life is so busy I cant even crap without having it planned in my calendar, sad I know.

Sunday fun Day! Went and saw Papa at the hospital this weekend, attempted to do crafts with my little sister in Nanton, ended up bullshitting and drinking instead. Funny how that always works, that’s why I always try to wing it instead of making plans.

Today we went the the husband’s (not yet divorced, but separated for 5 years) Christmas party at his work. All done for the kids, face painting, balloon animals, a reptile expert, who I may add was probably the coolest guy at the party besides me. Santa came and gave all the kids presents. It was a good day, I even had my face painted. Snow flakes and the like to resemble Elsa, got to make some ornaments for the tree. All in all a good day. Got home, I realized that I love Lego. I built a fire truck with extreme precision, I’m sure some people would be impressed 😃

Another busy week ahead with Doc appointments and an EEG for my youngest. But that’s another post.

Welcome!

Welcome to my living room.

I wanted to start this blog as a way to communicate with other moms, moms with ADHD and moms without, vent about my day, post about the ups and downs of life with ADHD, post about lifes struggles. This is going to be one of those blogs that is honest, hopefully amusing, and informative. Its hard to deal with life and having a mental disability that prevents you from following through on the smallest tasks or remembering when the kids Christmas concert is without having it written down in a million places and have a reminder set on your phone and tablet.

Life comes at you like a ton of bricks most days, I, myself, have 3 children, ages 10, 7 and 5. I’ll more than likely talk about them a lot….seriously….a lot. They are my world and are involved in just about everything I do. They are usually the ones throwing bricks in my carefully laid plans for the day, not that I mind…mostly. Ok, ok, I lied. Most of my days are far from carefully laid out, being ADHD makes life a little harder with tasking and creating suppers or doing crafts with the kids, name it and I’ll most likely give you a semi-descriptive reason on why it’s just that much harder.

Feel free to comment on anything I write, I’m all about the discussion. If it helps anyone then I’ve met my goal.